Movie Badger
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Half & Half vs. Non-Dairy Creamer

Dear Stupid People in My Office,

Non dairy creamer and half & half are not the same thing. One key difference is that half & half requires refrigeration, while non dairy creamer does not.

Here's a hint: If the label says "NO REFRIGERATION REQUIRED," that means no refrigeration is required. If the label says "KEEP REFRIGERATED," you should probably keep it refrigerated.


Common Sense

(no subject)

The elevator button has 2 states: on and off.

Pressing, pushing, or "jack rabbit" punching the button will not cause it to arrive any sooner.

Confused? See also: "crosswalk button" and "the man in the canoe".

Protecting Your Four Dollars

If you have only ever played poker online, for fake money, do not play poker for real money at a table full of real people who are good at poker. You may have thought you knew anything at all about poker, but you are wrong, and you will lose your money in short order.

(no subject)

Attention, pizza companies.

There is nowhere else on the pizza to cram more cheese. In addition to the standard on-top cheese placement, you've also stuffed it into the crust, and crammed more cheese between multiple layers of crust. Please rest assured that, with present technology, entirely satisfactory amounts of cheese can be placed on a pizza. There is no need to further squander valuable pizza-related R&D dollars on the cheese issue, and efforts in this area will probably lead to an absurd inflation of pizza-cheese interface manifolds, equal in general silliness to razors with 4 redundant blades.

Also, I feel I should inform you that foods test best when different flavors meld together in proper ratios; it is entirely possible to take an otherwise-palatable pizza and, by the addition of more cheese, render it less tasty rather than moreso. In fact, those amongst us who most love the cheese portion of the whole "cheese/tomato sauce-/cured meat" amalgamation will generally go with a calzone, where one is available. Thank you.

No Mas! No Mas!

Dear Mortgage Brokers:

At this point, everybody who was going to refinance their home - yes, even those who want to pull out cash to pay off high credit card bills - has already refinanced. You needn't advertise on the radio, in the mail, on billboards, on TV, on flyers left on my porch and under my car's windshield wiper, or in any other fashion.

I promise, everybody has heard the message. But interest rates are probably going to start going back up now, so please, I beg of you in the name of all that is holy, please take yourselves and your advertisements away now.

Strange but True.

TRUE CRIME: Mark Maybry of Albuquerque, NM was arrested when he attempted to use his mother's MasterCard in a California liquor store. The card was listed as stolen because she had been found shot to death in her garage, and Mark became implicated when police reportedly found a list in his room which read:
1) Buy shells.
2) Shoot father.
3) Shoot mother.

Sometimes the strangest, funniest, and most bizarre things in life simply cannot be made up. We need only look out our windows, through the newspaper, or up at a sign to discover true humor that fiction just can't supply.

And lemme tell ya, there's a lot of this crap out there. Enough to fill a website, to be specific:

National Lampoon's TRUE FACTS

title or description
Movie Badger
  • boffo

Idiotic gas station protests

Boycotting gas stations for one day, while still driving the same amount and consuming the same amount of gas, is not going to make a damn bit of difference. The oil companies don't care what day you buy your gas. They care how much you consume overall.

If you really want to do something about the high price of gasoline, change your consumption habits. Carpool, ride a bike, take the bus, stay in more often, etc. No, your individual actions won't have a meaningful impact on the worldwide market for petroleum, but at least you'll be saving some money.

Hello? Anybody home?

Clear out the cobwebs, it's time for a clue:

If you have an auto repair shop, you can not claim to "specialize" in "foreign and domestic cars." That is not a specialty, that is ALL cars. If you only claimed to specialize in one or the other it would be tenuous, but we could write it off as hyperbole. But it is not logically possible for anyone to be a specialist of everything.

We now return you to your normally scheduled LiveJournals.

(no subject)

If you TyPe LiKe ThIs or speel leik tihs, you only look like a moron. I don't care what your friends do/say, you don't look cool.

Also, if someone tells you, "The sight of you makes me want to puke. F. off and die." Or anything along those lines, it's safe to assume that this person no longer wants to talk to you. Trying to further communication with this person is only going to be bad for your health.

*I wasn't sure if you allow profanity or not, so I erred on the safe side.
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