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Clues for the Clueless
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Clues for the Clueless' LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, March 11th, 2009
10:25 am
Half & Half vs. Non-Dairy Creamer
Dear Stupid People in My Office,

Non dairy creamer and half & half are not the same thing. One key difference is that half & half requires refrigeration, while non dairy creamer does not.

Here's a hint: If the label says "NO REFRIGERATION REQUIRED," that means no refrigeration is required. If the label says "KEEP REFRIGERATED," you should probably keep it refrigerated.


Common Sense
Monday, November 29th, 2004
11:08 pm
The elevator button has 2 states: on and off.

Pressing, pushing, or "jack rabbit" punching the button will not cause it to arrive any sooner.

Confused? See also: "crosswalk button" and "the man in the canoe".
1:00 am
Protecting Your Four Dollars
If you have only ever played poker online, for fake money, do not play poker for real money at a table full of real people who are good at poker. You may have thought you knew anything at all about poker, but you are wrong, and you will lose your money in short order.
Monday, November 8th, 2004
7:08 pm
Attention, pizza companies.

There is nowhere else on the pizza to cram more cheese. In addition to the standard on-top cheese placement, you've also stuffed it into the crust, and crammed more cheese between multiple layers of crust. Please rest assured that, with present technology, entirely satisfactory amounts of cheese can be placed on a pizza. There is no need to further squander valuable pizza-related R&D dollars on the cheese issue, and efforts in this area will probably lead to an absurd inflation of pizza-cheese interface manifolds, equal in general silliness to razors with 4 redundant blades.

Also, I feel I should inform you that foods test best when different flavors meld together in proper ratios; it is entirely possible to take an otherwise-palatable pizza and, by the addition of more cheese, render it less tasty rather than moreso. In fact, those amongst us who most love the cheese portion of the whole "cheese/tomato sauce-/cured meat" amalgamation will generally go with a calzone, where one is available. Thank you.
Friday, October 22nd, 2004
3:19 pm
No Mas! No Mas!
Dear Mortgage Brokers:

At this point, everybody who was going to refinance their home - yes, even those who want to pull out cash to pay off high credit card bills - has already refinanced. You needn't advertise on the radio, in the mail, on billboards, on TV, on flyers left on my porch and under my car's windshield wiper, or in any other fashion.

I promise, everybody has heard the message. But interest rates are probably going to start going back up now, so please, I beg of you in the name of all that is holy, please take yourselves and your advertisements away now.
Thursday, July 8th, 2004
1:45 pm
Strange but True.
TRUE CRIME: Mark Maybry of Albuquerque, NM was arrested when he attempted to use his mother's MasterCard in a California liquor store. The card was listed as stolen because she had been found shot to death in her garage, and Mark became implicated when police reportedly found a list in his room which read:
1) Buy shells.
2) Shoot father.
3) Shoot mother.

Sometimes the strangest, funniest, and most bizarre things in life simply cannot be made up. We need only look out our windows, through the newspaper, or up at a sign to discover true humor that fiction just can't supply.

And lemme tell ya, there's a lot of this crap out there. Enough to fill a website, to be specific:

National Lampoon's TRUE FACTS

title or description

Tuesday, May 18th, 2004
4:34 pm
Idiotic gas station protests
Boycotting gas stations for one day, while still driving the same amount and consuming the same amount of gas, is not going to make a damn bit of difference. The oil companies don't care what day you buy your gas. They care how much you consume overall.

If you really want to do something about the high price of gasoline, change your consumption habits. Carpool, ride a bike, take the bus, stay in more often, etc. No, your individual actions won't have a meaningful impact on the worldwide market for petroleum, but at least you'll be saving some money.
Friday, March 12th, 2004
2:04 pm
Let Us Profread Your Doguments
If you expect anybody to believe in your webdesign service, it's probably wise to spell "professional" correctly:

11:48 am
Hello? Anybody home?
Clear out the cobwebs, it's time for a clue:

If you have an auto repair shop, you can not claim to "specialize" in "foreign and domestic cars." That is not a specialty, that is ALL cars. If you only claimed to specialize in one or the other it would be tenuous, but we could write it off as hyperbole. But it is not logically possible for anyone to be a specialist of everything.

We now return you to your normally scheduled LiveJournals.
Thursday, January 15th, 2004
10:28 pm
If you TyPe LiKe ThIs or speel leik tihs, you only look like a moron. I don't care what your friends do/say, you don't look cool.

Also, if someone tells you, "The sight of you makes me want to puke. F. off and die." Or anything along those lines, it's safe to assume that this person no longer wants to talk to you. Trying to further communication with this person is only going to be bad for your health.

*I wasn't sure if you allow profanity or not, so I erred on the safe side.

Current Mood: amused
10:23 pm
If you TyPe LiKe ThIs or speel leik tihs, you only look like a moron. I don't care what your friends do/say, you don't look cool.

Also, if someone tells you, "The sight of you makes me want to puke. F* off and die." Or anything along those lines, it's safe to assume that this person no longer wants to talk to you. Trying to further communication with this person is only going to be bad for your health.

*I wasn't sure if you allow profanity or not, so I erred on the safe side.

Current Mood: amused
10:18 pm
If you TyPe LiKe ThIs or speel leik tihs, you only look like a moron. I don't care what your friends do/say, you don't look cool.

Also, if someone tells you, "The sight of you makes me want to puke. F. off and die." Or anything along those lines, it's safe to assume that this person no longer wants to talk to you. Trying to further communication with this person is only going to be bad for your health.

Current Mood: amused
10:55 am
If a woman isn't responding to your phone calls, e-mails, Livejournal comments, and IMs, it means she has absolutely no interest in talking to you. Continuing to harrass her won't change this.
Thursday, November 20th, 2003
8:07 am
Monday, November 17th, 2003
4:11 pm
...NEVER stand on me.

Bah!! The last post didn't work.
4:06 pm

Current Mood: bored
Saturday, November 1st, 2003
12:52 pm
Music Snobs

If you really enjoy music, and are a fan of obscure bands, that's fine and dandy. But it doesn't make you a better person than those who just don't care.

On a related note, listening to Jazz, Opera, or Classical music does not make you smart. Nor does it make other people think you're smart. It does, however, often make you think other people think you're smart. (Which is not to say there's anything wrong with this sort of music. If that's what you like, by all means go for it. But if you're listening because you think it will make others respect you, that's just sad.)

Clothing Snobs

Designer labels are only impressive to shallow people.

Also, if you purchase a $1000 designer outfit that's been marked down to $700, but you could have gotten essentially the same thing at Clothestime for $30, you have not saved money.

Wine Snobs

People who care about wine may be interested in your wine knowledge. Nobody else gives a shit.

Car Snobs

Any man who's a car snob and judges other people by the car they drive has a small penis.
Sunday, October 5th, 2003
4:25 am
The Pop Culture Edition
People do have some opinions when it comes to what you watch and read and listen to, don't they? Well, in case you were in danger of thinking too much about other people's opinions, here is a clue for you:

1. If you enjoy it, it's not bad. It might be such reviled cultural artifcats as Blink 182, Stephen King, or Big Brother. Just because someone says it is bad doesn't mean you have to believe it's bad.

2. British television is not necessraily good. This is not to say that there are not British shows which are good - The Office, People Like Us, and Black Books are well worth watching. But you know that much of American television is horrendously bad - apply those same standards to British television. Just because it's on BBC America does not make it cultural. Similarly, just because some great shows such as The Sopranos and Six Feet Under are on HBO does not mean that everything you see on HBO will be good. They say it's "not television" but really, it is. Just because you can see Kim Cattrall naked on Sex and the City does not actually make it groundbreaking. Who hasn't seen Kim Cattrall naked at this point?

3. There are many, many bands who have not been discovered and played on the radio. This does not mean that you should feel like a bad person for not having heard of them. It's really okay. Often, the reason a band has not been discovered is not because they're genuises who can't be understood by the mainstream proles, it's because they're not very good. Some people have a lot of their own self-worth bound up in liking things that nobody else likes. You're not required to particpate in that. There are still people who are angry that U2 got "discovered." It's okay to like U2 anyway. Or not. Totally up to you.

4. Being French or Russian doesn't necessarily make someone a good writer. You don't have to listen to some smarmy prick talk about Proust or Turgenev as if they somehow had some sort of deep understanding of humanity that Americans or Britons can't grasp. Your college professors will tell you different, but they've got positions built on making you feel stupider than other people. Nothing against these authors, of course, all they wanted was for people to read their stuff - but I hate that other people want to make knowledge of these works into a test for who is smarter or at least more educated than whom.

5. Opera is not necessarily bad. And some of it was written to be today's "common" entertainment. If it was sung in English, it'd probably be enjoyable and worth seeing. This is evidenced by what Andrew Lloyd Weber does. He has taken classic stories and made good songs and good stories written in English. The reviewers, predictably, HATE him desperately, but his operas have made vast amounts of money in cities around the world. Money may be no guarantee of artistic worth, but one must wonder: If it is so bad, why do so many people continue to go see it? Is it because it's stupid? Or is it because it's a great story set to great music? Only people who believe that there should be entertainment which is too cultural for the "masses" can hate this.

6. If you liked a band before it was "popular," if you thought an author was cool before everybody else read him, if you think that opera to be opera should properly be sung in Italian anywhere outside of Italy... then you are beyond clues. Most importantly, you should shut the fuck up.
Friday, September 19th, 2003
12:01 am
The Food Edition
There's a whole list of rules when it comes to food, depending on what diet you're on, which doctor you believe, and what you enjoy eating. But really, it all boils down to this:

1: Eat whatever the hell you want to, in moderation. And by moderation, I mean actual moderation. Nothing that is food is "bad" for you, as long as you don't eat too much of it.

Butter? Just fine, and probably better for you than margarine.

Eggs? Perfectly good source of protein. Have one (not two, not three, and you don't need pancakes with it) for breakfast.

Double chili cheeseburger? Tasty! Just don't have it for lunch every day, or even every week. Maybe just every now and then. Don't worry, Tommy's won't actually go out of business if you don't show up every other day.

Super-size french fries? Hey, how about small fries, or even no fries at all? Try an experiment - get your Big Mac but don't order the combo. 15 minutes after you eat, you will be just as full from eating only the Big Mac as you would have if you had also scarfed a giant box of fries. Amazing!

Root beer float? You really should have a root beer float every so often. It's an essential part of the moderation diet for those who enjoy root beer floats.

Hydrochloric acid? Not actually food. Definitely bad for you. Don't eat any of that.

Steamed broccoli? Oh, come on, it's not that bad. And if you shake a tiny bit (just a wee smidge) of parmesan cheese on it, it's pretty gosh-darned good and your doctor will probably still approve.

But I love food! It's tasty and also delicious! Believe me, I hear ya. But eating less can be done.

Steak dinner with fixin's? Unless you're a vegetarian, you should take yourself to your nearest really good steakhouse once or twice a year. For those in Los Angeles, I recommend Ruth's Chris in Beverly Hills, or Nick and Stef's in downtown LA (oh, that Bleu Cheese sauce). Anyway, you should take your sweetie with you and suck down a few ice-cold martinis, enjoy an excellent Caesar salad, and experience the bliss of a truly fine piece of steak prepared in a mouth-watering manner with the best possible potato sides, whether they be mashed, au gratin, or baked. And don't forget some good wine with dinner. Sure, you'll be drinking and eating about 752,000 calories over the course of an hour and a half, but remember, we're talking about one or two times a year here. You're not going to grow to huge proportions because of one meal. And this is the second and perhaps best part of the "don't eat so fucking much" diet:

Moderation in all things, including moderation. Once in a while, go nuts.
Tuesday, September 16th, 2003
1:28 am
Also, ironic bumper stickers that satirize other bumper stickers (e.g. "My kid beat up your honors student") show that you are not only lame enough to want to respond to the bumper-sticking community, but don't have enough imagination to come up with your own comeback and thus have to buy one prefab.

A button that caused all cars with bumper stickers to explode (in the solitude of their garages) would not be a bad button.
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